The title of my post would indicate I'm losing steam, I'm not. I'm just being very honest. I am really tired of doing this. I find myself (and have my whole adult life) very annoyed by the fact that it seems like there are a lot of people in the universe for whom eating is just an activity like sleeping, and brushing their teeth. I resent the fact that I feel like I'm literally in a battle for my life and it's all about 'dealing' with food. I started this 6 calendar months ago yesterday (Dec. 17th was my start day). I cannot imagine being able to be off of the MF food in another 6 mos. (wishing I could be off of it now but don't trust myself). I just hate the fact that I am having to give so much of my emotional and mental energy to this task. I am FINALLY at -50 lbs. (hit that yesterday) have lost another .5 lbs. since (yes weighed early this a.m. and then again later and I WILL take that half pound and add it to my loss). So officially since last week I'm minus 1.5 lbs. Total loss now is 50.5 lbs. However, I am FINALLY at my first big milestone (the one I set for myself, the -50), it's STILL ONLY 25% of my goal! I cannot believe I really need to lose another 150 lbs. It just seems so huge.
I am not giving up, I figure at this point, I've put too much effort into it to just quit and I don't feel like quitting but I do feel like complaining. I thought if I got "into" this I would feel better, it would free me up emotionally, help me work out whatever needs working out, but the truth is, as these micro layers of fat disappear, I just feel worse, to be honest. Physically, I feel much better and actually have learned to enjoy (note I don't say "love") moving. I find myself enjoying walking (again, not enough to do a lot MORE of it, but not dreading it either). I just can't imagine that after shedding 50 lbs. why I cannot feel "happy-ER".
I've been unhappy for 10 years but I honestly can't tell you why. I have absolutely no idea. None whatsoever. I have a good life, I have a husband that loves me, children that love me, friends that love me, people that I love in return. I have learned to make it a point to be grateful for SOMETHING everyday. I make it a point to notice the beauty in the place I live and comment on it to myself everyday. I have a nice home, I am employed, I really can't find anything I should be unhappy about. I figured this weight issue was the last bastion, the BIG thing to conquer so I could get to the joy again, and I'm finding that it seems to be creating a bigger problem. Not a big enough probelm to reverse course, but not solving my underlying issue whatever in the world it may be.
Now for my friends reading this that know my history, I am no longer taking any anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medication (quit those almost a year ago (and don't worry, not cold turkey) and I know that could be a big part of what I'm feeling (or not as the case may be). I had a doctor tell me once about 6-7 years ago, very matter-of-factly, when I had gone to him to ask for anti-depressants (had tried living without them for a bit-it wasn't going well) and he said to me, "you know (rather condescendingly), there's a clinic in California that ONLY treats depression through diet and exercise" as he wrote me the scrip anyway. Well guess what Dr. C, I am actively engaging in both but it's NOT treating my depression - it seems to be making it worse. All that said, I truly believe with all my heart that EVEN if you have depression you CAN work through it without medication. I know I'm ill but I don't think I'm so ill I must have meds to survive the rest of my life, it can't really be THAT serious can it?
Anyway, it's late in the morning. I am being quite lazy haven't had a thing to eat or drink this a.m. yet (it's after 10:30 a.m. here) but coffee is brewing and I'll be off to Curves soon. I know this will go down as a post that I will decide later I probably shouldn't have shared, as I fully realize it's gone a bit deep. However, I've said all along, this is really for me. For anyone reading, not necessarily asking for commentary on this but feel free to armchair psychoanalyze away if you so desire. I welcome any insight as I do know there are answers EVERYWHERE in life. Maybe I should start doing Bible dips. LOL.
p.s. My incredibly sweet and amazing second daughter just brought me MF oatmeal and a cup of coffee....ask and the universe will provide huh?
Try a very good yoga teacher. Iyengar yoga if possible. Look up Patricia Walden, some of her stuff is intersting to read. She is a teacher on the east coast who totally credits yoga with curing her depression. HOWEVER it can't be just a general yoga class,,, or you have to know what to avoid during a general yoga class such as limiting forward bends. Plus a very good experienced (Iyengar) teacher would be easily able to modify poses so that you can do with with any physical limitations you have,,, because let's face it us bigger girls can't do all the bendy stuff those little skinny chicks can!
ReplyDeleteThanks T - I will look into it! Yoga is something I've never really tried in a class, just stuff at home on my own with a DVD.
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