Day 148 - I'm kinda annoyed....

First I want to discuss the pictures.  I wasn't sure at first I wanted to post them because I didn't like the pic taken this a.m. BUT, after comparing with my late Feb. picture, I CAN see a difference and for that reason and that reason only I will put them up here.  But know this, I hate these photos.  I see a very fat and unhealthy person (who is TRYING to get better/do better but that doesn't count for much as I'm not there yet!!!).  Picture on the left, taken 2.27.11.  Picture on the right taken, 5.14.11.  I will post the next pics after I lose another 15 lbs., which I'm hoping is by mid June, end of June at the latest.

Now for the official start to this week's entry:
I doubt this post will get much sympathy from anyone but I'm not really going for that anyway.  Based on the whining I've already done on Facebook and the additional whining I'm about to do, I don't expect much.  However, ALL of that is okay BECAUSE I'm keeping this blog as my own souvenir for the time that I can get to the weight I want to be. 

My mindset at this time....I've been at this for FIVE months.  I haven't done ANYTHING consistently for five months in my whole life (okay, well at least in a really long time).  Needless to say, my view of how things should progress is a little different than it probably should be.  Yes, I am impatient.  All I can think of is that I have to lose 200 lbs.!!!  Okay not NOW, I only have to lose 157 more but you get the idea.  After coming off of what I would consider an 8.5-9/10 week (drank water like a lunatic all week, EVERY day and was really quite regarding my food), I was expecting some big numbers this week.  It all felt kind of like throwing a birthday party for one of your kids, inviting 20 friends and 2 people show up.   I have been working out every single day they are open at Curves for the last month  (started exactly a month ago yesterday and have not missed one day yet) and I only lost a total of 1.5 inches!!!!!  AYFKM?!?!?!  (Start with "are you", end with "me" and do it in that screechy, really pissed off voice  ;) ).   Now, I do not know what is reasonable; maybe 1.5 total inches is amazing, but I'm thinking NOT!!!  And THEN to add insult to injury this morning, I was only down one lb., ONE POUND!!!  Now, to be fair I shall provide full disclosure, I started my period yesterday and of course the week leading up to that would be filled with water retention thus affecting possible measurements and for sure affecting weight loss.  I know I am probably lucky for that reason alone not to have GAINED weight this week. 

I am just irritated.  I am not giving up, I don't even feel like giving up, it's just a blow.  To answer my friend's question, yes this might be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.  It is certainly the greatest focus I've given to ANYTHING in my life in the last 10 years.  And even though I'm officially down 44 lbs, I still have so far to go and it's still not fun to look in the mirror and want to throw up.  It's also hard to know (and believe me, my whole life, and certainly my adult life I've never given a shit about what ANYONE else thinks about how I look, esp. total strangers) that when people see me that have never met me or out in public, they just see some fat chick.  I know, I know, all that matters is that I know what I've been up to and that IS all that matters, I just want to see some bigger changes faster. 

I did amp things up at Curves.  They have a tracking program you can do and it tests you at the beginning low end and high end effort and then the program challenges you to do the complete range of motion on each machine and keep the intensity at a certain level.  I've done it four days now burning more calories almost every day.  This has been perfect for me.  After nearly a month things were starting to get stale, I found myself getting a little bored and wanted something to keep my focus.  This program challenges you to 'go for the green' by keeping your little light in the green zone (yellow too slow, red - are you even TRYING?).  I shoot for green and flashing green (flashing means you are going too fast but I don't care).  My biggest focus is trying to make sure I'm doing the complete range of motion and use the correct form.

The numbers for the week:
**  -1 lb. (only 15 more lbs. til I start giving out actual numbers!!!)
**  water - a MINIMUM of three 28 oz. mugs every day, but most days I had at least four of these mugs and some days MORE than that!!!)
**  exercise:  Curves every day (burned 428 calories during my workout today; trust me I was WORN OUT!!)

So, I'll trying to keep my expectations reasonable but next week - I expect some higher level results!!!

Oh and one last thing, if I haven't mentioned it before (though I may have and I will mention it again,) I am SO pissed that all of my fat is shifting to the front!!!!!!!  My previous three rolls are now two really large rolls of fat, front and center!!!  I'd rather have my ass and thighs be fatter and this part slim down. 

Okay, this really IS one last thing.  My daughters and husband have been SO very supportive.  I knew they all would be and my hubby is doing this with me and he's down 43 lbs. himself.  And he's always been so supportive of everything I've ever done.   However, the girls (for those that don't know our family - ages 9 1/2, 11 1/2 and 13) have been so very, very sweet and sincere and just the best little cheerleaders. It makes me feel so proud as a mom to have such three empathetic and encouraging sweet souls to get to share life with.